Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
