I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
