was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
