I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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