I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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