Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Randomize
