It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
