I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
