I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
