I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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