You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
