Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
