Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
