then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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