i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
