dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
