Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I stole a fireplace last night.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
