I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
