Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
