when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
