If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
