I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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