I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
