Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
sarcasm needs its own font
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
