you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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