I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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