He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Four minutes until I can fart!
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
