did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
