Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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