I think I won the penis lottery.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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