I'm going to jail i love you
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
