So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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