I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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