when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
