Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
