It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
