Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Randomize
