i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
