I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I would fuck him just for his dog
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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