I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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