Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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