the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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