Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
