Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
