i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Randomize
