Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
