So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
