I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Pants are for mortals
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
