I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
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My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
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Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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