why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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