There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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