I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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