I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
