my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
