you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
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You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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