I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Randomize
